Puoi prendere il tuo amore e infilartelo su per il cuore.
D. Barthelme, da Sospesi nell’aria in Ritorna, Dottor Caligari
Se avessimo scelto la strada giusta saremmo rimasti su quella sbagliata. A volte è così che succede, che le cose sono altro e non quello che appaiono. Oppure si sceglie di fare quello che non si è scelto di fare. Io e Lei. Io e Lui. Siamo rimasti in un limbo, in due sacche amniotiche, umidi e piagnoni evitando di realizzare il nostro cammino. Io e Lei eravamo una coppia modello, bravi buoni e friendly, lavoratori e col tasso alcolico a meno di zero. Quando ci hanno chiesto perché avevamo fatto quello che abbiamo fatto, non se ne facevano una ragione. Noi non abbiamo risposto, ma è bastato farla la cosa che ognuno ha tirato le sue conclusioni. Io e Lui eravamo una coppia ogni tanto, di solito il giovedì sera dopo il calcetto e qualche volta la domenica pomeriggio, per le partite di calcio. Una noia sempre dietro a un pallone, la nostra vita di relazione era il rotolare di una sfera su un campo verde e umido, a volte sintetico a volte il contrario, dipendeva dai nostri piedi: per terra nel primo caso, sul materasso del letto di casa sua nel secondo. L’unica costante è che eravamo sempre sudati, io e Lui. Io e Lei sudavamo poco o niente, tranne rare volte quando il sole picchiava sulla finestra della cucina di casa, d’estate, e io volevo cucinare per forza qualcosa in forno. Ci succhiavamo i pollici e ce li passavamo dietro la nuca l’un l’altra, per darci sollievo, ma non è mai servito a un granché. Solo una volta ci siamo eccitati e abbiamo fatto del sesso con i pollici ben in mostra, un vero duello che non ha vinto nessuno. Io e Lui abbiamo sempre pregato il Signore che ci desse pollici ben eretti e ombelichi morbidi e caldi, e a volte è stato così. Oppure ci bastava una stretta di mano, andava bene lo stesso, ma solo ogni tanto. Per il resto, le nostre vite erano per forza di cose destinate a andare su strade diverse. Perché convincersi del contrario quando la cosa è lì, spiaccicata sul naso di chi ti sta di fronte? È la cosa meno indicata da fare, e anche per niente leale. Le mani servivano a scacciare le mosche, soprattutto dal naso, e le illusioni servivano allo stesso motivo. Le mosche non ci davano tregua, solo ogni tanto morivano in massa e facevamo l’amore, io e Lui, su un materasso di insetti morti.
«Gesù, credevo non fosse vero», mi disse Lei quando Lui venne da noi. Era la prima volta e non se lo aspettava, così all’improvviso. Lui entrò in casa e disse tre volte «buongiorno» prima che uno di noi si decidesse a fare qualcosa. «Vuoi della birra?», fece Lei che parve aver superato brillantemente l’imbarazzo della domanda iniziale, piuttosto curiosa, divertita dalla nuova scoperta. «Ma che dici», le feci io, «avrà un sacco da fare… non è vero?» Lui ci guardò con lo sguardo di chi sa dove vuole arrivare, un sorriso poco accennato all’angolo della bocca può bastare a questo scopo, e fece «Con un po’ di gazzosa, grazie. Non potrà far mica danno un poco di birra con la gazzosa, no?», così Lui rivolgendosi prima a Lei e poi a me. Io mi girai dall’altro lato per mascherare la rabbia, e forse anche un po’ di vergogna, e pensai Birra e gazzosa…, poi mi venne un conato e mi spostai verso la finestra del soggiorno per prendere aria ma il sole era così forte che evitai di avvicinarmi troppo alla luce. Respirai più a fondo possibile, e la cosa passò. «Cosa ne dici di fagioli e coniglio per cena?», fece poi Lei. Io e Lui la guardammo disorientati: fagioli e coniglio in piena estate? Con chi ce l’aveva? Io e Lui ci scambiammo uno sguardo, alzammo le spalle all’unisono, come danzatori sincronizzati, e rimanemmo in silenzio. Dopo nemmeno mezz’ora e qualche litro di birra spruzzata con tanta gazzosa, eravamo a tavola in tre a mangiare fagioli e coniglio. Il caldo e le mosche erano insopportabili.
Ci bastò quella sera per decidere di non ripetere più l’esperimento. Io e Lei ritornammo a quella che era stata la nostra vita negli ultimi anni insieme. Con Lui, invece, le cose cambiarono, subirono una tremenda accelerazione, e sudavamo ancora, molto di più, e i nostri pollici erano sempre ben in vista e i nostri ombelichi si ammorbidivano avanti col tempo, fino a diventare soffici e caldi come noi desideravamo, come pan di spagna appena sfornato. Di quella sera non se ne parlò più, né con l’uno né con l’altra. Ci aveva segnati, due righe sulla pelle per ognuno di noi facevamo un bel po’ di righe per una sola serata. Anche per questo motivo evitammo di ripeterci nella faccenda. Lei faceva l’amore con una passione diversa da sempre, ma solo perché – credevo io – durante ripensava a quello che era successo, chiudeva gli occhi e si vedeva che era da un’altra parte, indietro nel tempo a quella serata di mosche e birra e gazzosa e fagioli e coniglio. Una volta, mentre lo facevamo in giardino presi a gridare forte i nomi della nazionale che aveva vinto i campionati del mondo dell’ottantadue, Zoff Gentile Cabrini Scirea…. Lei venne sulla T di Bearzot, alla fine. Quello che voglio dire è che io non lo so se lei mi stava a sentire, se era venuta perché le dicevo quei nomi, o il fatto di essere venuta sulla T di Bearzot, cioè proprio alla fine della formazione, era stato solamente un caso, come un caso era stato che io ricordassi tutta la formazione a memoria. Sta di fatto che quando venne, sulla T di Bearzot, Lei prese a urlare «Go… Go… Gooaaaal!», ma potrebbe essersi trattato di una incontrollata reazione inconscia, o di un’altra semplice coincidenza. In ogni caso Lei non era lì, e questo è sicuro. Lui, però, c’era, sia lì insieme a noi, che là insieme a me. Là, da Lui, sopra un letto di ali sbriciolate e minuscoli corpi stecchiti e secchi. Là, dove su un tappeto di morte ronzava soltanto un ventilatore a velocità quattro e due corpi stretti a farsi più male possibile. Feci con Lui lo stesso esperimento con la formazione della nazionale, soltanto che in quell’occasione Lui venne su Cabrini. Dovevo aspettarmelo.
Più le cose cambiano, più sembrano andare veloci, diventano sfuggenti, e allora a volte desideri che tutto rimanga com’è, ché almeno ce l’hai tra le mani. E invece le cose presero a cambiare, sempre più veloci, sempre più diverse, fino a che non mi resi conto che tra le mani, oramai, non mi era rimasto più niente, se non qualche aletta spezzata di insetti stecchiti ormai da parecchio. Provai a mangiarne qualcuna di mosca, non avevano alcun sapore da morte, così provai a mangiarne qualcuna viva e scoprii che erano dolci, giusto una punta, ma non bastavano a riempirmi la pancia. La fame era tanta. Cercavo inutilmente di credere che prima o poi sarei riuscito a prepararmi da solo qualcosa da mettere sotto i denti, ma nemmeno questo riuscivo a realizzare. Io da solo, non ce la faccio. Ora dovevo scegliere, c’era da scegliere: a tavola in tre, o a stomaco vuoto. Ci pensai per un lungo eterno minuto, poi ci ritrovammo gonfi di birra e gazzosa e fagioli e coniglio tra i denti, ancora una volta. Le otturazioni mi sono sempre sfuggite, la carie mi si è divorata i molari, ora mastico solo con i denti davanti, rumino per l’esattezza, muovendo le labbra in modo scomposto. Il coniglio mi rimane anche per due o tre giorni tra la dentiera prima che riesca a scacciarlo via, lo spazzolino serve a ben poco, il filo interdentale a meno che niente, l’acqua corrente giusto a rinfrescare il mio giovane cuore in gola, e i giorni vanno via, passano veloci e sudati, caldi e asfissianti come crocchette di patate giganti con mozzarella che fila, appena cotti, da mangiare per forza di cose – scontato e inutile a dirsi – subito.
Una sera, tra i denti di Lei, ispezionandole il cavo orale per motivi di coppia, mi si è attaccata un’aletta rinsecchita di mosca sulla punta della cappella. L’ho schiacciata nel lattice, poi non l’ho più ritrovata, si sarà confusa tra gli spermatozoi. Però mi ha dato da pensare la cosa, quel ritrovamento aveva dell’inverosimile e le risposte possibili non erano tante, anzi era una e una soltanto. «Hai sempre detto che non mi avresti fatto del male», mi scappò dalla bocca quella sera stessa, ma Lei già dormiva. Poi la mattina successe quello che non doveva accadere. Mi alzai con un’erezione da guinness, andai in bagno e mi chiesi perché tanto sangue era fluito laggiù, così in eccesso in quel punto, ma soprattutto mi preoccupai di dove mancava. Mi girò un pochino la testa al pensiero, mi appoggiai alla vasca da bagno, poi lentamente mi lasciai andare, sfilai scivolando sul bordo della vasca e mi sdraiai. L’acqua fredda mi aiutò parecchio, il cervello riprese a funzionare, l’equilibrio tornò e il saluto fascista – grazie alla mia Resistenza – sparì tra le gambe. Scesi di sotto, bagnato ma fresco di giornata, e la trovai lì, Lei, in cucina davanti ai fornelli, e là, Lui, che la seguiva con gli occhi, seduto a tavola a bere birra spruzzata con tanta gazzosa. «Cosa succede qui?, sono io che dormo da sveglio, o quello che vedo sta accadendo sul serio?», mi dissi dentro la testa, ma l’espressione della mia faccia tradì il pensiero che si fece parola e arrivò dove non doveva arrivare. Lui mi rispose che «In tre, a tavola, si sta più in compagnia, non ti pare?». Io lo guardai e non capivo quello che stava dicendo. «Di cosa ti meravigli?», fece Lei mentre scolava la pasta e il vapore le inondava la faccia, e quelle parole vennero fuori un poco sbuffate, ma calde. «Sei stato tu a metterci insieme», continuò dopo aver versato del sugo di pomodoro su un intreccio di spaghetti al dente e salati al punto giusto. «Io?», mi chiesi, ma di nuovo la mia espressione tradì il pensiero e allora mi dissi tanto vale dirle le cose, tanto vale parlare, essere chiari, buttare fuori tutto, vomitare senza remore, e così dissi che io non ci stavo, che le cose in questo modo non potevano andare, che di qua c’è una cosa e di là un’altra, e che gli spaghetti a colazione erano un’idea pressappoco geniale. Così, nonostante tutto, mi misi a tavola con loro, bevvi un sorso di birra spruzzata con tanta gazzosa, bevvero anche loro con me, e alla fine tutti e tre, intorno allo stesso tavolo, una mattina di fine estate, quando le mosche cominciano a morire e a cadere dentro a bicchieri colmi fino all’orlo, se volete potete anche non crederci, restammo lì insieme e, pur di sopravvivere a noi stessi e tenerci strette le nostre esistenze incrociate, mangiammo spaghetti a colazione bevendo da tazze ricolme di birra e gassosa.
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